Why "Dead Hero"?
01.23.99

One of the most commonly asked question about this site is "What does Dead Hero mean?" (The other is "Why do you do this?") It's a kinda long story, but I'll give it up...

When I was 17 I had a breakdown. It was called an "emotional upheaval". It's basically a nervous breakdown brought on by emotional stress instead of external pressure. So I ended up in therapy for about 6 months. What happened to me there was ridiculous. The Doc decided that I had an identity disorder. And to be honest, I think I might still. We're not talking about multiple personalities or anything. We're talking about an almost constant "Who am I?" thing. In this case, I think MOST people my age have this problem. Quarter century crisis hitting at age 25 or something. Anyways, back then it was because I truly felt that I could be something special in this world, that I could make a difference. To the point where I was thinking that I wasn't going to die of old age if I accomplished all I wanted to, I'd be shot like John Lennon, JFK, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King Jr. I really thought that I could be better and help people, maybe make some changes in the world. Not that I was some kind of savior or anything, no more than any of those people I mentioned. And that was what the therapist decided was the cause of my breakdown.

And he didn't seem happy to hear me speak of a light that I felt resided in me. That was my way of feeling this ability to be better than the shallow slime I was surrounded by growing up. It felt like a light... as opposed to nothingness or darkness. So my therapist decided that he needed to convince me that I was no different than anyone else, that I wasn't going to be better, that I couldn't help anyone or make the world around me any better. He extinguished that light in me. He, along with everyone else that wanted me to be just like them, killed the hero in me that could've been.

It was then that I decided that one day I would put all my journals into a book entitled "The Diary of a Dead Hero". That current diary is what's on this site. One day, maybe I'll go back and root through all my old journals and put them all online.

But that is why this site is the home of a Dead Hero. I believe I'm not the only one who feels or has felt like this. I think many people kill the heroes that are growing up in their family, school, or community. I don't think I'm special in that way. Nor do I any longer think that that hero is really dead. It's kind of like the X-Files... no one every really dies.

I believe that I've evolved to a point where I feel better about myself, where I can be proud of my actions and my beliefs, which is more than a lot of people can say.