What I've Learned From Relationships
09.04.02

Almost a year ago, I gave in and got married. I say it that way because for most of my life I was the guy who was never going to get married. But I met "that one". Or at least, I met one of the very few, someone who is such a perfect match for me, and I took the leap. But it was a long hard road to get here. I learned a lot along the way. And the lessons didn't stop when the ring went on my finger. Here's what I learned...

Love is Love is Love is Love.
Don't give me any crap about the difference between Loving someone "as a friend", and Loving them "more than a friend." Real Love means a lot of things, but those things don't change depending on your relationship with the other person. The only thing that changes is how you interact with that person, how comfortable you are in expressing your Love in a physical way.

No matter how many times your definition of the word changes, if you believed you were in Love at the time, you were.
So many times we look back on a prior relationship and think "well, I wasn't really in Love then. This is different, and this is Love. So that couldn't have been. I was just wrong." Okay, maybe you don't say it like that, but you get the point. And if you're looking back, no matter how different that time felt from now, don't disrespect yourself, your former lover, or Love itself by saying that wasn't really Love. Everyone has a different definition. And those definitions are in constant flux or evolution. So if your heart and soul were poured into someone else, if you truly believed you were in Love... then you were. Love is Love is Love is Love.

Sometimes Love just isn't enough.
There's a lot more to being together with someone than just Loving each other. It's not Love that takes work, it's relationships. Loving someone with all your heart does not make you immune to hating how they eat pancakes. And that's just a little thing. The big things can really bring the pressure. Which leads me to...

Just because you Love someone, doesn't mean you always like them.
I can be an outright bastard when the moon is right. But my wife still loves me. She may not like me at the time, but she never stops loving me. Hell, there are times she damn near hates me, and vice-versa. We Love each other to death, but every now and then, we just don't like each other. And that's OK.

It takes just as much energy to hate someone as it does to Love them.
Think of hate as the other side of Love's coin. Hating someone means thinking about them, getting as emotional, getting as heated up, devoting as much time and energy to them as Loving them. Hating someone puts them on just as high of a pedestal as Loving them. The lack of Love, the lack of any feeling for someone, is apathy, not hate. When you have apathy, when you feel absolutely nothing for someone... that's when they truly mean nothing to you.

Hatred is not the enemy of Love, fear is.
As I said, hatred is just the other side of the coin. If someone can hate you, they can Love you. But if they have fear in their hearts, forget about it. If they can't get past the fear... fear of being hurt, of being transparent to someone, of losing control, of giving themselves, even the fear of being Loved... they can't freely Love you. Not, they WON'T Love you. They simply CAN'T Love you.

The greatest of Loves just can't be described.
Love has inspired every form of art. There are countless poems and songs and stories about Love. Even I've written a few. But that's NOTHING compared to the Love you just can't translate into words. When you discover a feeling which no words can do justice to... when you find a person who makes you feel so incredible that you can't even describe to someone how you feel because you've never heard a comparison... THAT'S the greatest Love of all.

There is no "Perfect One", no "Single soul mate", no "One and only".
Life is not a fairy tale The stories we're told about growing up, finding that "perfect someone" and living "happily ever after" are simply seeds of hope. When our hearts are broken and our parents tell us it "wasn't meant to be" and "they just weren't THE ONE", it's only to keep our hopes (and us) alive. If you're thinking of "soul mates" you're thinking of a ghost in a shell. But what if that shell is on the other side of the planet, or born defective, or gets hit by a drunk driver. Where does that leave you? If you're looking for that ONE, you've got a 1 in 6,000,000,000 chance of finding them. I simply can't believe the odds are so high, when Love is lurking around almost every corner. There's more than ONE out there for all of us. And finding more than one, in this society, can be both a blessing and a curse. Whether we can/will marry a person, whether they're a perfect fit for us, means nothing to whether they are one of our great and beautiful Loves.

When you find that perfect fit, the fireworks don't explode, the alarms are silent.
I've had some SERIOUS explosions and alarms and all the fun stuff they show in the old movies when people fall in Love. And every time, it's felt GREAT and RIGHT. And every time, it wasn't that perfect fit. When I found the one that fit me perfectly, it was all too easy. There were no typical signs that "this might be the one". Everything just fell into place, like it was never out of place to begin with. Like she was always there and I just didn't notice. Like two streams merging into one. Naturally. It's not that I couldn't live without her, it's not that she "completes me", it's not that I need her by my side. It's that I WANT her there. It's so comfortable that it makes being single completely undesirable. How's that for the perfect fit?

Even a not-so-perfect fit can feel like the greatest fit ever. And what's wrong with the second-greatest feeling in the world?
Just because someone isn't that perfect fit, doesn't mean they can't be a LOT of fun to be with for the time being. Hell, they might even be a lot of fun to be with 'til death do you part. Hell, it might even be absolutely incredible just for a night. Don't discount ANYONE because they're not your ideal. And if you've found that perfect fit, don't be surprised if you find another that's oh-so-close. If you find another great and wonderful Love, consider yourself very lucky.

Feelings sometimes have no bearing on the rules of the situation, and vice-versa.
No matter what two people feel for each other, their feelings can't change the rules of the situation they're in. If the social rules surrounding two people won't allow the two to express their feelings for each other, their feelings won't change that. Also, the rules of the situation really have no bearing on our feelings. Just because our feelings aren't allowed, doesn't mean we can stop having them. They exist on their own and usually can't be changed by anything outside of us.

"Men marry women hoping they won't change. Women marry men hoping they will. They're both wrong."
Read the above. Women are going to change too. They always do. Men... well, they'll change, just usually not in the ways their women want them to. Sure this is a generalization, but that doesn't mean it's always untrue.

"Men fall in Love with the women they're attracted to. Women become more attracted to the men they fall in Love with."
Yeah, another generalization. But the typical guy, before he gets comfortable with not finding the Victoria's Secret model, will fall for the one's he's most attracted to. He'll find a pretty young thing, get close, and fall. But a woman, after she becomes comfortable with the thought of not finding the Calvin Klein underwear model, will find the truly good man, and fall. And in her eyes, he will become beautiful. And what she thinks of him is all that really matters.

You can't choose who you fall for. Be wary of those "not your type".
Even the greatest shining soul may be wrapped in dull paper. Whatever your personal type is, whatever you're attracted to... that's great... when all you're looking for is eye candy, a trophy, or just a fun fling. We've all had those beautiful people who turn out to be just... beautiful, and nothing more. I'm not saying that ALL beautiful people are empty. But if you could get by solely on looks, you might be inclined to do so as well. Be wary of the people that aren't your type. Don't hold so tightly to your attractions. While they are important, they may blind you to a greater good. Two of the greatest Loves in my life may have been overlooked when I was actually looking.

Do not feign who you are to attract anyone. If someone falls for your act, you'll never be free to be you again.
I have a friend who is... well... weird. He's in the same place I was a few years ago... thinking that maybe if he were a bit less weird looking, he'd get more women. Maybe if he didn't spike his hair, and took out the plugs in his earlobes, and the nose ring, and wore more "normal" clothes... more women would be attracted to him, and he'd find "that one". But THAT would be the real tragedy. If someone falls for act, his pretending to be more straight and normal than he is, he's doomed. As long as he wants that relationship, he'll be stuck hiding under the mask she fell for. And that's no way to live.

Everyone's nuts. You need to find someone that's just as nuts, and the same kind of nuts, as you are.
Think of the field of prospective partners as a dart board. The bull's eye would be "completely sane." Notice how friggin small it is. Think of the rings moving away from the bull's eye as "degrees of nuts", the further away you go, the more nuts they are. Simple enough, right? But each number is also a different KIND of crazy. You are somewhere on that board. Let's say you're at "double 6". That means you MIGHT get lucky with someone somewhere else in the doubles ring. You might get lucky with a double on either side of 6. But your best bet at getting along with someone is finding someone at your Double 6 of nuttiness.

There's a broad line between being in Love with a person and being in love with the idea of a person.
It's happened to me personally more than once. My last serious relationship before my wife was with a six-foot-tall redhead with blue eyes and great curves. She was a few years older than me, a marketing director at a comic book company, into live music, and lived in NYC. And she took a liking to me. And for a guy like me, she sounds like a helluva catch. Sounds like a dream, eh? And I fell REALLY hard when she fell for me. And when she left, I was completely and entirely broken. But it wasn't until much later that I realized I fell victim to one of Love's great follies; I was in Love with the idea of her, of WHAT she was, not WHO she was. She was all those things I dreamed of, except compatible with me.

No relationship is worth losing your friends over.
It happens a LOT. Especially when we're younger. Especially with guys. Guys get a girlfriend and they fall off the planet for a while. Until they break up, usually because the guy gets tired of not having a life outside the relationship, and they both become miserable over it. But back to the point... knowing that relationships end, often, and that friendships can last longer than most girlfriends... is it worth losing good friends because your relationship has changed you, or kept you acting? Is it worth being with someone who all your friends (that know you better than you do) can't stand? There's usually a really good reason. Listen to them before you lose them.

Sexual compatibility is a must.
While I admire those kids who are taking pledges to NOT have sex until they're married, I think they're a bunch of fools, taking the wrong steps to solve a problem. And those steps can lead them into a lot of unhappiness. Sexual compatibility is HUGE. Sex is a really big thing in a relationship. It's not big in the way that virgins see it as big. But it IS important in a relationship. And just like all other facets of that relationship, if you're not compatible, it won't last. And if it DOES last, you'll both just be miserable about it.

Communication brings Trust. Trust brings communication.
But, of course, SOMEONE has to be the first. Have faith and take the chance to be open and honest. If your reward is a slap in the face (or worse), suck it up and try again sometime. If you find you CAN'T be open and honest, maybe it's just not going to work. But you have to play your part too. You have to be willing to hear the truth from your partner. You can't expect acceptance if you can't give it. If you both can be open and honest with each other about everything, there's nothing that can separate you.

You can not fear being yourself around your lover.
You're the only You you've got, kiddo. If you can't be yourself around your partner, you're losing something more precious than your relationship. You could lose your friends. You'll likely lose yourself. No relationship is worth that.

Pay attention to the little things about them.
Just a simple piece of advice. One way to show someone that you really Love them is to pay close attention to everything about them, especially the little things. When you show up with a gift of something they mentioned they really wanted, once, in passing... you'll be showing them how much you really care about their desires. When you repeat something they said in a random conversation, you'll be showing them how much you pay attention when they talk.

What they think of you really DOES matter. Sometimes more than what YOU think of you.
Personally, I have a really shitty self image. My wife seems to think I'm "the greatest boy in the world." Until recently, I used to think she was as crazy as I am. Maybe blind too. But I realized that it doesn't really matter what I think of me. All I do is try to keep us both happy, and she thinks I'm the greatest for it. Maybe she IS nuts. Who cares? She's happy as all hell and so am I. When you Love someone, what they think of you, how they see you, becomes incredibly important.

All is NOT fair in Love and War. Some wounds can't be healed. Some reparations can't be made.
People do some seriously bad shit in the middle of a fight. People say things they thought they would never say to someone they Love. People say and do things that just can't be taken back. So be careful. Fights happen. That won't change. Just be careful of what happens when you fight. Don't let a momentary lapse of reason destroy something beautiful.

It's better to be happy than right.
We all get into weird little arguments over stupid stuff. It's pride. We get into screaming matches trying to prove a piddly little point to the other person, to prove we're right about something that doesn't really matter. Choose your battles wisely. At the end of the fight, all you've got is that little piece of pride about being right, and one more fight to recover from, and that's IF you win. If you lose... you've got a lot more to make up for just to get back to feeling good again. Personally, I'd so rather be happy than right.

Once the screaming starts, the listening is done.
I think I've screamed at my wife ONCE. And it was out of complete and total frustration. It wasn't even anger that did it. Just once. And at the end, we both cried it out and talked. She knew that if I was screaming there must've been something terribly wrong. Because I don't scream at people. I don't need to. I'd rather just end the conversation. I realized with my last serious relationship before my wife that yelling didn't accomplish anything. If someone is being so ... whatever to make you scream, they're not really concerned about what started all of it anyway. And once you DO start yelling, they stop listening. There's just no point. If you think that by communicating more loudly you'll get someone to hear you better, you're wrong. And your voice is going to be horse, your throat is going to hurt, and your partner just won't be happy about you. Now, what was it that started the disagreement anyway?

You have every right to your emotions. But they have every right to theirs too. Even if that means not being able to bear your emotions.
You have every right to be upset, to be mad or sad, to be hurt or angry. You have every right to feel whatever it is you feel. What you may want to be careful about though, is how you express those feelings. See, you have every right to your feelings, but so do they. They have the right to feel frustrated or angry or sad that you're expressing your feelings in a way that hurts them. If you think you have the right to scream out whatever it is that's bothering you, then they have the right to hang up the phone or walk away. You won't think so at the time, but you'll realize it later. You can't have your cake and your ice-cream too.

Try to move heavy furniture on your own, and you'll end up getting hurt. Get someone to help you, and you'll both be fine. It's the same way here.
You can't fix everything on your own. It's just not possible. Once there is someone else involved in a situation, you simply don't have the control to take care of everything. You need help to get all the weight of all those problems off the ground. And if you HAVE to do all the work yourself, you've got bigger problems than the ones you're trying to fix. If the other person won't help you with the two of you, maybe there should be only one of you.

Some things in a relationship can be changed with some effort. But some things cannot. Learn the difference.
Relationships can take some work. Some can take a LOT of work. Some problems CAN be overcome. A few of them can be ignored, knowing they'll pass. When the problems are external, when they're brought on by work or money or friends, etc... those things can be worked on and changed together. And sometimes, fixing problems together can even strengthen a relationship. But when the problem is internal, when it comes from inside of you, causing problems between the both of you, that NEEDS to be fixed in order for the both of you to be happy. It needs effort and attention. And if it just CAN'T be fixed. If the problem is deeply rooted inside someone, you have a choice to make... accept that there will be problems until that person can deal with their own issues, and stick by them through it all hoping for the best, or leave to protect yourself wishing them the best.

Yes, everyone has problems, but some problems are not worth staying in a relationship with.
I grew up watching some pretty shitty relationships. I'm still confused by some of them. Most of my friends' parents were divorced, and more of them SHOULD'VE been. So I knew for years that all relationships had problems. That took it's toll on me, staying in shitty relationships that I should've walked from, taking mental, and sometimes physical, abuse from girlfriends. Why? A multitude of reasons, really. But I'm not the only one who does that. Too many people put up with things WAY BEYOND what they should for the sake of their relationship, never realizing that a relationship like that isn't worth suffering for.

Sometimes, "forever" is a really short time.
Too many people say that word far too often. It wouldn't be a problem if whatever they're describing as "forever" actually lasted that long. Or if so many people didn't actually believe it when they heard the word spoken.

No matter how much you Love someone, you can't make them Love you back.
Tough one for a lot of people to learn. It was a tough one for me to learn too. No matter what they felt for you, or said they felt for you, or are saying they feel for you now... nothing you do, no amount of Love you can give them, can make them feel anything for you but what they already feel.

Everyone changes. The best you can hope for is that you change in compatible, if not the same, directions
The only constant is change. Everyone changes. They call it "growing up". Anyone who tells you "don't ever change" is doing you a disservice. You're changing. That person you're with is going to change too. Count on it. If you can change in the same direction, or at least in compatible directions, you can stay on the same road together for a long time. If you change in incompatible directions, or worse, one of you manages to not change at all, then maybe it's best you keep going in different directions.

Some people are just better friends than lovers.
A good friendship can go a long way. And most long-standing relationships are made on good friendships. But despite a good friendship being a good building block, it's not the whole building. There are some huge differences between being friends and lovers, and sometimes even people who are in Love with each other are better off just being friends. Even AFTER the relationship has dissolved, there IS a possibility of the two people being friends. If they were friends before the relationship, if they were friends through it, if they truly Love each other... there IS a chance. In fact, they may just be better off that way.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.
But who wants to date a fish, right? Trust everyone when they tell you that crap about fishes. Six billion. There are six friggin billion people in the world. If you're only interested in one gender, that still leaves about three billion people to choose from. Let say that, even in a bad case, only one percent of the people riding this rock around the sun are of compatible gender, sexuality, beliefs, and insanity as you... that still leaves 60 million people out there. Keep looking. You'll find one.

Every relationship prepares you for the next.
Learn. Pay attention and learn. Discover your mistakes, remember theirs. Watch others and learn from them. Every relationship, no matter how bad the ending, no matter how much of a mess it leaves you, can make the next one that much better. I can tell you which girlfriend or friend taught me each of the things on this list. And I'm grateful to every one of them for it.

Everyone comes into and out of our lives for a reason. Understanding the reason leads to great happiness.
I had a great Love once. But I couldn't hold on to her. While we were together, I learned so much about myself, the world, magical living, art, nature, what I truly wanted in a partner, and of course, Love itself. I like to think I helped her learn just as much about the same. So when she left, I was crushed. I couldn't understand why something so great for both of us couldn't continue. That was, until someone let me in on some higher reasoning of why she was in my life. She didn't come to be my partner, but to teach me all those things. We collided to be teachers and students to each other. That didn't mean our love for each other was any less than I thought, it just meant our relationship was different than the one I had hoped it would be. Understanding the difference made all the difference. It made me so grateful just to have had her in my life. Now, we still talk. And I still have a lot of Love for her. She's getting married and is very happy. And I couldn't be happier for her. Simply because I understand the difference and the reasons.

Just because it's not YOUR way, doesn't mean it's not A way.
There are a LOT of things in the world that you won't agree with, and relationships aren't any different. I don't care what your parents told you, what the media tells you, or even what your holy book tells you. The norm is not the only way to happiness. For some people, the norm of heterosexual, monogamous, male-superior facing missionary sex just doesn't make them happy at all. Even if you don't understand how or why they do what they do, there's nothing wrong with them making each other happy they way they like to. Hell, I just can't comprehend how any guy could possibly want to have his nuts stomped on by a chick wearing spike heals. But I'm not going to try and stop him.

It's not cheating if the other person knows about it, and is okay with it. And it's DEFINITELY okay if they're involved in it.
There are a lot of relationships out there that may confuse you. Heterosexual monogamy may be the norm, but it's not the only way for a lot of people. The problem comes when one person is having another, unknown, or disapproved of, relationship. THAT'S cheating. That's betrayal. That's just wrong to do to someone you claim to Love. However, if the other person knows what you're doing, and they're okay with it, where's the harm? If you AND your partner are with other people, and you're both okay with it, where's the harm? If you're with the SAME other person, where's the harm? With so much Love out there, if you both find another great Love, should you ignore it? If both parties understand, should you deny it just because it's not the norm? If it's just about keeping your sex life changing and entertaining, and you're both getting off on it, what's the problem? Which leads me to...

Some people really ARE happy being alone.
Not everyone wants someone to Love. Not everyone needs a life long companion. Some people really ARE happy being alone. If you're one of them, don't be afraid to stay that way, no matter what people say. If you're not one of them, don't bother those that are. In fact, just leave them alone. =)

Being in Love with Love leads to a lot of heartache.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to Love, and be Loved in return." Believing in statements like that... TRULY believing in them is like taking the shortcut to the front of the firing line. Most people just DON'T believe in things like that, and they will end up stomping on your heart wearing spike heals, whether they mean to or not. Some will do it because they just don't understand. Some will do it because they DO understand.

But in the end, Love is worth it.
It really, truly is.