What I've Learned From My Friends
05.25.00

This isn't a point of bragging, it's just an inner observation -- I've got a lot of friends. I've got four main groups of friends, and then the randoms. I try to get them together when I can, through parties and nights out, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The groups are separate because they're simply different kinds of people. And that's what makes having them around so great. Different moods get complimented by different people. Different outings are better enjoyed with different people. And you can always learn more from being with different people. And this is what I've learned from my friends...

Meet as many people as possible.
I never could understand people who, in any kind of casual social setting, would remain closed in with only the people they know, never venturing outside their little circle to meet new people. Every person you meet is a possible business associate, hook up, friend, teacher, audience, or in the least, a good conversation or a brief source of entertainment. Networking isn't just about business.

Make friends, not just acquaintances.
Everywhere I go, people know me. It's a nice feeling. Better than them knowing me is that MOST of them actually like me too. That's an even better feeling. And I know some people don't give a shit about that kind of feeling, so we'll try this approach: If people like you and consider you a friend, they're more likely to help you out or hook you up along the way.

People change.
Yeah, sure... you knew that, right? But it applies as much to your bestest of best friends as it does to everyone else. What's that mean? It means that the things that made your best friend your best friend, might not be there in the future. And neither will your best friend.

Never let a relationship screw up your friendships.
This rule usually applies more to men than women because women tend to hold their friendships in less regard than men. Sexist? Sure. True? As far as I know it to me. Either way, letting a new relationship ruin a long-standing friendship doesn't say much about you, your friend, or your new significant other. If two people have been happy together, and a third ruins that happiness, guess where the problem is.

Your friends know you better than you know yourself.
If you have a good friend for years, and they give you advice about yourself, take it. They've seen your best, seen your worst, and have stayed through it all. Odds are that they know if you're seeing your situation clearly or if you're really doing the best you can to live through it. However...

Normal people are no fun.
Freaks, musicians, artists, potheads, cokeheads, X-heads, alcoholics, psychos... these are a few of my favorite things. You know... straight-as-an-arrow, 9-to-5'rs, suits, no drinking, no drugging, no cursing people can be very good friends. They can be a grounding force in your life... a sense of stability and sanity. But, rarely, are they ever fun to be with.

Ignorance is abundant.
I'd like to think that I keep selected company as my friends, that maybe they're better than most of the people out there. Which is why I get so distraught when faced with things like "What does New York City have that the [central Jersey] shore doesn't?" and "[The musical] Rent is so unrealistic. There's no way Guliani has white people our age living on the street with AIDS." Even the smartest people you know have their bouts with ignorance. Even your friends. Which leads to...

Everyone has faults.
You do. Your friends do. My friends do. And God knows I do. Being a friend means loving someone in spite of, and because of, their faults.

Who you hang with makes a difference.
We'd rather not believe that Guilt By Association is a living, breathing thing among us. But it is. Hang with the IN Crowd, and you're IN. Don't, and you're not. This still exists, albeit in smaller forms, after you leave school. And it doesn't mean choose your friends by their status. Fuck that. Just be aware. Sometimes we ARE judged by the company we keep.

Some people will still love you no matter HOW bad you screw up.
Good friends are like that. And you will screw up at some point in time. We all do. The real friends will still be there after the smoke has cleared. But don't think there won't be smoke. There might be a rubber tire fire clouding your relationship for a bit. But when it clears, odds are, you'll still be loved. However...

Just because someone is a friend, doesn't mean you can screw up all the time.
Everyone has their limits. Just because someone is your best friend doesn't mean they have all the tolerance in the world for you. Nor should you for them. EVERYONE has a limit.

Your friends don't have to approve of your significant other, but it sure does help.
In a wonderfully perfect world, "it doesn't matter what my friends think of you... hell, it doesn't even matter what my parents think of you. I love you, and that's all that matters." Hi. Reality here. Can we talk? It DOES matter. If my friends hate you, and you're always attached to me, my friends will soon hate being with me (and you). Just because you're by my side, doesn't mean you're automatically part of the crew. It doesn't mean anyone besides me even LIKES you. So...

Making yourself part of the group is the quickest way OUT OF the group.
For anyone to truly be part of any group... circle, clique, crew, whatever... there is a certain rite of passage that needs to take place. There are dues to pay. The extreme is pledging a Greek organization in college. The minimum is hanging out and not assuming that everyone likes you. The norm... hang out and let people get to know you at their own pace, not yours. Let them accept you, even if you've already accepted them. If you don't, and you just try to assimilate, try to be one of the group, or assume that you're always welcome, always liked... you're done. Pack up your flip flops and go home.

A friend's personal life IS your personal life.
I've had a bunch of people get pissed at me because of the things I write on this site. When those people are friends, it becomes a deeper issue. Many times, the issue, when boiled down to it's simplest form, is one of an invasion of privacy. I should not have written about their personal lives. But when someone so close to you has a problem in their personal life that greatly affects you, it becomes your personal life. And that's the way it is with close friends.