What I've Learned From Living in the South
10.12.03

It's been almost two and a half years since my wife and I have moved from NJ to NC. This may have been the basis for a sit-com, in which case, I'd be laughing at all of it. But, this is my real life, which means that you get to laugh at all of it. That is, IF you find all this amusing. The people that live here probably just won't get it. Those that don't live here will probably be crying, either from laughing too hard or the nagging thought of "that's just so sad."

Different isn't always bad.
There are some really nice things about living here. People aren't as rude or as in-a-rush as they are up North. Traffic means you saw the light turn green then red ONCE while you waited. There's a LOT of green around, and it's not money. There are no Joneses to keep up with. Life is a lot more leisurely. And I'm saying this all now because the rest of this Rambling isn't quite as nice.

Different sometimes SUCKS.
People aren't in a rush all the time, but they're also slow to react to anything, that includes service. Tell a plumber that the leak isn't flooding the house, and he'll "get there sometime this week.". Traffic is usually caused by someone who has NO idea how to operate a turn signal or who has decided to come to a complete stop before making a right turn, or has just cut across three lanes of traffic to cut off someone else who has no idea how to drive. Basically drivers break down into three categories: 1) the very few who actually can drive, 2) Those who never drive except to Church on Sunday so they haven't really gotten the hang of it, and 3) Those who watch so much NASCAR, they THINK they can drive. There's a LOT of green around, and it's not money which is the reason there are no Joneses to keep up with. Life is a lot more leisurely, meaning SLOW. Almost everything and almost everybody.

Sarcasm is lost in the South.
The reason most Southerners wouldn't get a lot of this is that it's laced rather heavily with sarcasm. Sarcasm is an art that's not practiced, not appreciated, and not nearly understood in the South ... like most art. And of course, there's that stereotype of the lack of education and intelligence.

95% of Southerners give the rest a bad name.
They're kind of like lawyers. Or pretty much any other large group of people with negative stereotypes about them. Those stereotypes didn't come from nowhere, they're quite realistic. But like all stereotypes, they don't describe ALL of the people who fall in that group. There are a small subgroup of people who DON'T fall under these generalities. Very small. But they do exist. You just have to find them.

Just because something is a stereotype, doesn't mean it's untrue.
Oh yes, friends, when it comes to stereotypes about the South, believe the hype. I think the only thing I HAVEN'T seen down here are "two good ol' boys, never meanin no harm, beats all you never saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born" jumping over "cricks" in an orange Dodge Charger. But I HAVE seen the rebel flag ... EVERYWHERE.

The rebel flag is not about slavery. The KKK is not about racism. They're both about heritage.
Sure ... about as much as Nazi Germany was about having high standards. Racism is alive and very well down here. But ask the locals, and they'll tell you that it's all about being Southern. And being Southern is all about heritage. Ask them WHAT that heritage is, and they'll tell you that it's about being Southern. Go figure.

The South most definitely will NOT rise again.
The real world is NOT Hollywood. While it's great to pay $8.00 to watch the retarded guy get the girl and get the job done better than anyone ever thought he would and win over the hearts and minds of the country, its not going to happen in real life. It's kind of hard to start a revolution against the rest of the country when you can't even name the states you're fighting against because you dropped out of high school to raise your kid.

While most Southerners won't provide the most stimulating conversation, they are generally rather friendly.
And that's got to count for something, right? Well, they're friendly as long as they think you're one of them.

It doesn't matter what color you are, as long as we're all the same religion.
Oh yeah, when it comes to being looked down on, the only thing worse than not being a white Christian is simply not being a Christian. If you want to see Southern white folk and black folk get along real quick, introduce anyone who isn't a Christian. They should've called this place the Bible Noose. And God forbid you're not straight. You've got even bigger problems. See exhibit A:

"I don't care what anybody says, God didn't create no faggots."
Oh yes, that was direct quote from some crusty old redneck in a rest stop. And he went on ..."It ain't no choice, it's an abomination against God." To which a black family nearby responded in unison "uh huh. yep." And to switch gears from enraging to confusing, he continued, "The only thing those people believe in is the almighty dollar." And to this day, I'm not sure if he meant that gay people only believe in money, or the people who think that being gay is a choice only believe in money. Either way, I'm still confused. But not the family next to him. Nope, they were in complete agreement.

You can be a pillar of the community even if you have a dog named "Nigger.".
This old white guy died recently, and the local paper ran a huge piece about how great of a man he was, how he knew everyone, everyone knew him, he did so much, and was such a shining example for the local people. What was left out was the common knowledge that his favorite dog's name was Nigger. What a GREAT example for the kids, eh?

The word "nigger" is perfectly acceptable.
I've never heard that word more in my life than when I moved down here. Actually, it usually goes one of two ways. Either the person talking about blacks will look around and then lean in and whisper the word "black". I can live with that, at least they're not trying to offend anyone within earshot. OR ... the N-word just slides out of their mouths like it was any other word. No fear, no distinction, no worries. It's really rather disgusting.

In a small Southern town, everyone is either related to or friends with everyone else. Or they're enemies. Not much gray area.
The first piece of advice I got from my neighbor when we were buying this house was "don't talk about anyone. Everyone is either related to or knows that person. And it WILL get back to them." They weren't joking. The reason most of this town isn't online is that gossip travels faster than email. Example: My wife gets to work Monday morning and her boss says to her, "I heard you went out Saturday night and didn't get home until 10:30 yesterday morning." We weren't out with anyone he knows, and we went out in a town 40 miles away. Want to figure that one out?

Hypocrisy is a way of life.
If you listen to the words of the local preachers, you would learn a LOT about sin. You would learn that drinking alcohol, doing drugs, and cursing are sins. You would learn that gossip is terribly wrong. You would learn that you need to love your brothers and sisters in Christ. And you would learn that as long as you believe in Jesus Christ, all your sins will be forgiven. Which must be why so many of these good Christian folk drink alcohol, do drugs, curse, gossip, and are avid racists. In a town of 16,000 people, there are 73 churches. There are also four supermarkets, all of which have large beer and wine sections. SOMEONE is drinking it all. But ask the locals, and none of them drink. There is a HUGE crack problem in town. But no one does drugs. And we already discussed the fucking gossip and "nigger" talk (three for one there).

"Jesus, save me from your followers."
If Jesus Christ came back and saw what the majority of these people are doing in His name, he'd renounce his own teachings and start smacking the shit out of people. Okay, he probably wouldn't. But he'd be REALLY unhappy about it. And I'm not either. If you want to act a certain way, fine. But don't do some terribly nasty shit and do it in the name of of a man who never would've done any of it. And DO NOT talk down to me while you're doing it because I'm not a follower of his. Rewind to the hypocrisy problem.

That's always "those other Christians"
Mention any of this to any Southern Christian, and they ALWAYS tell you something along the lines of "That's not us, that's those OTHER Christians." Everyone's pointing the finger at everyone else but themselves. And when they run out of people to point to, it was all the Catholics' faults.

If you're not white, and you're not black, and you don't work in an Asian restaurant, you must be Mexican.
I have a Philippino friend who desperately wants to move back to a big city where he can "be Philippino again, instead of 'that Mexican guy'." That's the assumption. There is such a lack of cultural diversity, that any shade of brown MUST be Mexican.

There is no nationality, no bloodline, no ancestry. They're all just white.
In the medical professional, it is necessary to ask a new patient for their nationality. Certain things are more prevalent in certain bloodlines. If you were to ask me, I'd say that I'm half Italian and half American. My mom was born in Italy. I say half-American because for generations back, my family was born here. Before that, I'm not sure. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say my father's name comes from Germany, and long before that, Ireland. But for generations back on his side, America. But one of the more common answers to that question around here is simply: "I'm white." Granted, many of their ancestors have been Americans for as long as there's been an "America". But still, they're just ... WHITE?

Most of the differences are simply a difference in values.
I was raised to value education, to go to school so I can get a better job, have more experiences to broaden my horizons to be a better person, and create a better environment in which to raise a family; preferably in that order. Around here, the family value is at the top of that list. Which is not a terrible thing. It's just horrifying to someone like myself to see a 16-year-old get pregnant and drop out of school to raise the kid. It bothers me to meet people who have never left here, never want to leave here, and have no idea what it's like to live any other way, but to be sure that they don't want to find out. Their definition of success is raising a family. If they can, or have to, do it here where their parents and grandparents live, that's even better.

I can't fault anyone for simply not knowing any better.
But I CAN fault people for not WANTING to know any better. Or not TRYING to know better. I tell people all the time to do whatever they can to leave this area. "Come back if you want to. But leave here and see what else is out there." But if ignorance is bliss, these people must be deliriously happy.

There is no constant except change. Unless you live in the South.
The only thing I think is worse than not wanting to know what can be changed, is not wanting change, period. Having security in routine is one thing. But fighting change and fighting progress simply because you like things the way the are is just silly. Things that don't evolve, die. Want to know why have so much to bitch about? It's because they want it that way. Everything that this place is, is so for a reason. They want it this way. The town I live in just got liquor-by-the-drink 10 years ago. That means until 10 years ago, you couldn't walk into a bar and buy a glass of whiskey. And a LOT of people fought that decision.

A lot of, if not all of, this Rambling is made possible by the desire of the people around me to stay exactly as they are. It is made possible by the difference in our values. They want it this way. They're PROUD of it being this way. Actually, this may be the closest answer I'll ever get to what the Southern heritage actually is.This is how they want to live.

I could write another Rambling on how people in the Northeast have different values than I do and how many of their problems (as I see it) come from their overpowering need to succeed. And I probably will write that one. Not because I'm better than everyone around me. But because I'm different than most of the people around me, and yes, better than some. And because it takes different strokes to move the world (yes it does).

So if the people I wrote about sounds like your kind of people, then come to the South, join your clan (or Klan, if that's your bag), and live happily. No, not everyone that lives in this region is like this, some of them are really good people that I want to keep in my life. But there are more than enough bad apples in this bunch to perpetuate some stereotypes. As for me, I need to find someplace, and some people, that I'm happy to call home.