What I've Learned From Watching Jerry Springer
05.12.00

I watch a lot of Jerry Springer. I can't say that I'm proud of it, but I do enjoy it immensely. I can always count on Jerry for lunch time entertainment and for making my life seem SO much better, no matter what kind of mood I'm in.

And that's just one of the things I've learned.

No matter how bad you think life is, you're not on Jerry Springer
You're not confessing your love for your sister's gay dog. Your wife is not secretly a prostitute who is leaving you for her pimp. Your husband does not need to tell you that he's dating your grandmother. Simply, your life is going pretty damn well.

Never, EVER, go on Jerry Springer
This isn't Montel or Oprah. Hell, it's not even Ricki. If you get a phone call from the Jerry Springer show inviting you on, hang up, burn the phone, and wash yourself with bleach. Whatever they need to tell you CAN'T be good.

If you DO decide to go on, bring a lawyer
Even if you don't think you've done anything wrong, bring a lawyer. Watch ratings go through the roof when you present the wife that just admitted that she's cheating on you and doesn't care about the kids with divorce papers on national TV.

When you get to the show, if they make you wait outside the studio in front of that camera, run away
If you're waiting outside, an ambush is waiting inside. Run far, run fast.

When you get out in front of the cameras, and your chair is on the other side of the stage from your loved one, leave it there.
Don't waste the energy moving your chair over to be next to them, no matter how wonderful you think that person is. Your chair is a half mile away for a reason. You're not going to like what you're going to hear. And you're just going to have to move it back.

If there's a third chair on stage, and you have no idea why, get ready to hit someone
That's the chair reserved for the animal-humping, cross-dressing, tri-sexual that your significant other is cheating on you with.

If there's a four chair on stage, and you KNOW why it's there, shut the hell up.
That's the chair reserved for the animal-humping, cross-dressing, tri-sexual that YOU'RE cheating with.

Throw the chair
Face it, the bouncers are too fast, and too many. You'll never get past them to that bitch/bastard on the other side of the stage. If you're really pissed, pick up your chair and throw it at him/her. No bouncer will be able to stop it. And it will hurt a LOT more than your screaming "sit down bitch". In court, claim temporary insanity. Hell, you were on Jerry.

When in doubt, no matter what the accusation, "Whatever. You don't know me" is a perfectly suitable answer
It may not get you out of anything, and you'll look like a complete idiot, but at least you won't hurt yourself trying to explain why being a prostitute is the best way to support your kids.

If you're the one that wants to go on the show to confess something ridiculous, kill yourself now
You think you feel like hell now? Going on TV to tell everyone that you're a player and cheat on everyone guarantees that you never get laid again. No one will sympathize with you when you admit to having sex with both your brother AND sister because they're the only ones who really love you. At the very least, do everyone a favor and get sterilized so you can never create more of YOU.

Steve, the bouncer, has the best job in the world
He's famous, he gets entertained on a regular basis, and all he has to do is hold a guy back by the fishnet stockings he's wearing so no one gets hurt. AND people chant his name.