Just Me
07.29.01

Big Daddy.
Dead Hero.
Kra-Z.

Just a few of the names I call myself. More precisely, just a few of the names that others call me.

Some say they're masks. Disguises to hide the true me.

Maybe they were right. Once upon a time. But that's not the way it is anymore. Not really. At least not always.

They're all just the people I wish I could be. The larger-than-life versions of the different pieces of me.

Big Daddy is huge. He himself is a larger-than-life version of me. Full of confidence, but not ego. The smoothest of talkers with the most slippery of backs. Nothing phases him. Everything pleases him. And everything is "all good". People love him for all of that, and because he makes them feel the same way.

And I love being called Big Daddy.

Dead Hero is just as I've described him to be. Something that was destroyed in a kid has returned to be stronger, burn brighter, and create more than he ever did. When he's dark and brooding, it's because "he's an artist." When he's out of sorts and different, it's because he's just "practicing to be eccentric." When he's soft and mushy, it's because he Loves deeper than the ocean.

And I don't like being called Dead Hero.

Kra-Z is the reaction to every action of fear and control. The first one out on the dance floor, the first one on the mic, and the first one not embarrassed to be embarrassed. The guy going out the third floor window to see if he can, just in case he has to. The guy threatening to kick the shit out of a national recording artist during an MTV taping, and having a few hundred people cheering him on. The guy lighting himself on fire for the entertainment of others.

And I kinda miss being called Kra-Z.

It used to be that I hid behind Kra-Z, used him as a way to prove that I was different from everyone else... needing to prove it to everyone else and to myself.

It used to be that I used Dead Hero as an excuse to be strange and "artistic" in the face of people that would prefer I be more like them.

It used to be that I used Big Daddy to help me feel better than people, cooler, someone to look up to. A rock star that wasn't. Because I was the furthest thing from all that at the time.

But now... I realize those things served their purpose. And I don't have to prove myself to anyone anymore. And the truth is that I never did.

I AM different, whether it's apparent or not. And that's a good thing. Most of the time. But it's not something I have to try to be.

I AM an artist. Born that way, will die that way. And whether my creations prove that to others or not, it's what I am.

I AM someone people can look up to, cooler than most, more level than most, and more deserving of It than most, because I want to make those around me feel the same way.

I do love being called by my nicknames by those I don't really know because It still sets me a bit apart. But when those people get to know me, they realize that whatever name of mine they met, whatever "character" of mine they met... underneath It all, I'm just me.

And I think that's a pretty good thing.