Where Does the Love Go?
10.04.99

I watched an episode of Sex and the City tonight which was revolving around being friend with an ex-. And if you've EVER been dumped, you've wondered why you couldn't remain friends anymore. And maybe you tried it, and MAYBE it worked... but you're one of the VERY few that pulled it off. And I was thinking about it all as I was watching the show...

Where does the love go?

So there's someone you've spent the last god-knows-how-long being best of friends with, making love to, talking to on the phone every night, taking care of, believing in a future with, promising and believing that you'd never hurt each other... basically, Loving and being In Love with. And one day, something happens. Something goes terribly awry. Maybe it wasn't even something drawn-out, cataclysmic, disastrous. Maybe it was just a huge misunderstanding that miscommunication compounded into a breech of your relationship. And just like that... *poof*... they're gone. For good.

Your best friend turned their back on you. Your future just disappeared. The phone doesn't ring every night anymore with someone on the other end who's living to hear how your day was, someone who won't feel like the day's events meant anything unless they share them with you. There's nothing anymore.

And maybe that someone did something so terrible to you (or the other way around) that there was no choice but to end it. And maybe it was a long, drawn-out break up. And maybe there was an attempt or two to fix the problem. But maybe there was just nothing. What seemed like a lifetime with someone just had a heart attack and flat-lined.

So where does the love go?

OK, there's a difference between "loving" someone and being "in love with" someone. I absolutely believe that. I love a lot of people. And I LOVE a lot of people. Right now, I'm not in love with anyone... which is why I'm not with anyone. Or maybe it's the other way around. But there is a definite difference. And sometimes, we just fall out of love. It happens. People change. Everyone changes. And sometimes we just don't change in the same, or compatible, ways. And we fall out of love. So the relationship ends.

But where does the love go?

If there's a definite difference between being in love and loving someone, and you once truly loved someone, why you no longer love them once the relationship is over? I'm a firm believer that true Love IS eternal. If you really LOVE someone, they're a part of your soul. And your soul is eternal. But for a lot of people, when they're no longer in love, all outward signs of love cease to exist.

But here's my problem with that... can you completely hide love? When you walk away from your ex-, do you just stop showing your love for them because it's what you're "supposed to do"... because you're no longer together, so you need to stop the caring completely? Do you stop it because it seems that as son as someone is your ex-, everyone around you falls in single file, picking their faults out of the lineup for you feel comfort in no longer being involved with that person? Or do you really just not care anymore? And if so, then where does the Love go?

This question used to bother me a lot. I had a girlfriend I had become very serious about. I won't get into details, because months and months of my Diary go into detail about it. But after some time of fulfilling all those signs of a true loving relationship that I mentioned before, as well as some even higher emotions that neither of us had experienced before, she left me. Up and left after two arguments that didn't get resolved quickly enough. She walked away and never looked back. I've had one or two conversations with her since then, though not in a long time, and there wasn't a trace of any care in the conversation. Not even a trace of the love that was felt when the two of us were just good friends before we became a couple. We ended an intimate, romantic relationship that was built on a strong friendship. So it follows common sense for all signs of that romantic relationship to be gone. But what about the friendship that was so strong before that? What about THAT love?

So where did the love go?

The sad thing is that I'm not the only person this happened to... not by a long shot. I'm sure everyone reading this has had it happened to them, and has sat there pondering the same question. And I'm sure some of you have been the one to walk away, to stop feeling. So maybe you can answer my question for me. Feel free to let me know.

Where does the love go?

10.08.99

I've already received enough responses to my last Rambling to make me think of more to add.

One friend responded to why the Love disappears with simply: "Out of sight, out of mind." Is that it? Is that all it takes to lose that losing feeling? What about the thought that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Or should it be that absence makes the heart go wander?

Could you honestly say that you Loved someone if you have no feelings for them when they're gone from you? I will freely admit that I still love the person I remember my ex-girlfriend to be. Of course, that person is gone from the planet, as far as I know, so I'm safe from harm... but I do admit it.

Yes, I said "safe from harm." For as much as they say "We hurt the ones we love," it's also true that we can only be hurt by the ones we love... as it's proven every time a breakup is completely one-sided and unwanted by the other side.

One of the reasons I'm thinking about this is that, strangely enough, I got e-mail from said ex- two days after posting this Rambling. I was part of a huge mailing list that received an update about her career move. And the first question I had in my mind was... Why? Why after all this time, am I still getting an update about her life? Why would someone that walked away from me, denied my friendship, and ended all communication, include me in a group of friends and professional acquaintances? I don't belong there. Just as she's no longer part of my weekly e-mails to a huge group of friends and ex-coworkers, I really think I should've been left out of this mailing. Granted, there is an ex-girlfriend of mine in this group of e-mails I send out, but it's an ex- I talk to (usually over the net) on a regular basis. Given the chance to hang, we would. We're actually (kinda) friends.

So maybe there IS friendship after a relationship. Maybe it IS possible. But as far as I can tell, it's only long after the romantic feelings have had a chance to quell. So perhaps there is a reason the Love disappears, and all care is gone... at least from one side, the romantic feeling will interfere with a friendship, ruining itself. Unfortunately though, by the time those destructive romantic thoughts have gone the way of the dodo, the other person has lost the love. So where does the Love go?

I'm still developing thoughts on this, and probably will be for a very long time, so I'd love your opinion...

Where does the love go?