Valentine's Day
2.12.99

The dreaded V-Day is quickly approaching, waiting to drown us in it's shadow of cards and flowers and chocolates... waiting to make the real world disappear for a day, only to replace it with a false vision of crayon-drawn hearts, telling us that this is Love.

I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY.

I hated V-Day before I ever had a girlfriend on it. I hated it when I had a girlfriend for it. I hate it now that I have no girlfriend for it.

It's not that I'm bitter because I don't have a girlfriend... or someone to give shit to. Hell, last year I gave a dozen roses to someone who wasn't my girlfriend, simply because she's a very good friend, I dug her as more than that, and she was upset because it would've been her first V-Day in a LONG time without a boyfriend. Did I get any sweet lovin' in return? No. Was that a problem? Absolutely not. I did it for her. Sure there were hopes that it might've been for US. But it was done for her. And she was really happy. That was all I needed. THAT was what V-Day was good for... showing someone that you truly love them, not because it's Valentine's Day and you're expected to, not because Hallmark said you HAVE TO, and certainly not because if you don't, your girlfriend is going to snap her legs closed faster, and tighter, than a cast iron bear trap.

But V-Day isn't about Love anymore. I'm not even sure if it ever was. Kinda like Christmas has nothing to do with the birth of Christ any more. Christmas, in my view started as a celebration of the birth of the Christ, progressed to a celebration of Love and family and good will, then on to the celebration of commercialism, and finally to a time of year where everyone is stressed because the only thing that matters is who-got-what-for-who, and what-who-got-in-return. V-Day has gone through the same progression. What's it all about?

Let me tell you something... those that don't know me might not believe this, but I *AM* a real romantic. So much so that my friends criticize me for it at times. So to me, Valentine's Day is an insult. To me, V-Day is an attempt to make the average guy act the way I like every day with someone I Love. It pushes people, men especially, into being stuck between a rock and a hardon. Think of it... men don't really care about what they get for V-Day A woman could buy her man a yellow carnation and a bag of gummy bags, and he'll be happy as shit because he didn't expect ANYTHING. Try giving that gift to a woman on V-Day HA! Then try finding your dick as she throws it from a moving car into the weeds. To women, V-Day is about a fantasy... it's about their men treating them the way that they want, and think they deserve, to be treated... if only for one day. It's a fantasy. Simply because most men... and I mean MOST men... would be happier fucking on the hardwood floor of their shot glass-sized apartment in "Little Bombay", NYC after sucking down pork lo main and a can of Coke than spending the time and money to plan their getaway to some Bed and Breakfast in Asheville, NC, so that they can go visit art galleries and gardens that they (SHE, actually) always wanted to see, followed by a classic candlelit dinner for two of lobster tail and green beans almondine, and to "make love" on a California king-sized bed covered in rose petals surrounded by vanilla-scented candles.

A woman looks and that and thinks "wow, that sounds nice." A man looks at that and says "holy shit that sounds expensive. But she'll cut my dick off if I don't do it."

And it's not about that. Me, personally, I would Love the opportunity to treat someone to a getaway like that for Valentine's Day. To me, it sounds really romantic. Expensive, yes... but well worth it. Not because I would be getting laid more than new turf at the Astrodome, but because the woman I love would be happy, and I'd be happy with her.

It's insulting to me that V-Day has become what it has. It insults me because these guys, who would never in their pathetic lives, come up with plans like that, much less agree to them, will act like complete romantics for ONE day, and then return to being scum. No wonder no woman believes the things I say or feel. She had them said to her once, by a guy who returned to watching Roller Derby and screaming for his bitch to get him a Pabst's from the fridge the very next day.

What's worse is when guys like myself, who really don't fall under the classification of the word "guys", who have women around this time, and who treat them like angels and queens all-year-round, are now expected to go above and beyond even the visions of Love that Shakespeare could write about. Or we're just like everyone else. Thanks to Hallmark, the local florist, and Godiva chocolates, we're pushed into the commercialism contender ring, that we've spent so long trying to get away from... not because we're cheap, but because that's NOT what Love is about to is. It never was, and despite what the fat little cartoon angel with the bow and arrow says, it never will be.

On these grounds, I denounce Valentine's Day and all those who support it blindly, thinking that their guy is the greatest guy in the world because he bought those 2 dozen "fire and ice" roses for you, or thinking that their guy is a piece of shit for NOT buying those roses.

It's about Love, people. Try to remember that this year.

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PS I also believe that shooting anyone (19 times in the chest) who's wearing all red clothes, including a red sequin beret, especially BEFORE V-Day, should be considered "justifiable homicide". I think the shooter should not only be let free, but he (or she.... women can be just as bitter around V-Day) should be given a medal, rewarding the action that all of us wishes we had a gun for, so we could do it ourselves.