Am I Evil?
9.13.99

My friend's grandmother died the other day. So I'm at the viewing and the Reverend is leading everyone through the prayers and scriptures and whatnot. And I sat there, next to a friend, while the room read the Profession of Faith, mostly silent. Afterwards, I said to my friend, "Well, I don't know about the rest, but I got the first line and the last two lines in."

And I started thinking to myself... "Am I evil?"

I don't mean I was thinking in some kind of worrisome, self-pitying, or self-punishing sort of way. It was mostly just from curiosity. It was wondering about how the rest of the world would see me. I sat in a room of people, who either through belief or courtesy, read aloud these words of faith... while I sat silent in near defiance.

The Profession of Faith (according to the Lutheran Church of the Good Shepherd)

I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, his holy Son, our Lord.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again.
He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting. Amen
OK then, my version... "I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.
And I thought of this and all the wonderful corruption I was proud of bringing to people in college, and after. And I thought of my denouncing the faith I was raised in, and most others along with it. So I began wondering... am I evil?

I don't know how I would answer that question myself. I'm not even sure how I would define "evil"... though I'm sure that most of you already have a definition for it. I know my reasons, beliefs, and motivations for doing what I do... "corrupting" people, "sinning"... and I believe I have righteous reasons for them.

My brand of corruption is getting people to understand what rules actually govern their behavior, what rules can be broken, when, and why... making people understand that so much of what they are lead to believe about how they need to behave is simply... unnecessary. Some rules CAN be broken. Life CAN be enjoyed beyond what people think are their boundaries. Some boundaries don't even really exist, despite widespread belief in them. Some things are neither "right" nor "wrong". That is my reason for my so-called "corruption"... to help people put a little more fun in their life... to help people experience more than they thought they could... to help people LIVE.

Which leads into why I turn my back on most major religions... too many rules set up by people that lived thousands of years ago that are supposed to be concrete, but are nearly irrelevant today. OR, even though they're supposed to be concrete, they get changed over the years. AND, while some people claim to be of the same religion, they believe different things, form different sects, and have bigger problems with people of different sects of the same religion, than they do with people of different religions. People hate others, put themselves above others, restrict their lives to the point of resentment... all because of these rules passed down to them by others who didn't create them either. Generations of people acting like sheep and not questioning. But it's not just religion that does this... just look around. Question authority. Then question the answers.

Don't get me wrong about religion and all forms of rules and authority... some rules are made to be followed... they help people survive and live. And a lot of people find religion to be the best thing in their lives, and the ONLY thing that keeps them going. And the way I figure, if it helps you, and you're not hurting anyone else with your beliefs... God bless, enjoy.

It's the others that attract my corruptive behavior, the ones who live by rules they're not happy with, that don't understand that the rules CAN be broken. So I find them, and become the King of Corruption. I'm no savior, no messiah, no Christ... but I've been known to help open eyes, expand horizons... and spread some joy... some insanity. But am I spreading evil?

I don't try to get people to hurt anyone else... never do things against others, only for yourself. I used to try to explain that to my parents... they thought the weird shit I did was to go against them. It wasn't about going against them. It was about doing things for myself. And these things just happened to be against what they believed. So I'm not trying to get people to hurt others in their way of having a good time... it's kinda the same thing that I feel... just enjoy everything to the fullest and try to spread the joy.

So all that said... am I evil?

I'd love to know.